Wat - A - Slap

Feets Up!

First Day At School

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

Hmm Nice One..

For The Kids...

 

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

Marriage and Men

When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...... ......

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!

What a coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local tavern, sat next to a woman, andordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says,"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence, " he said, "This is a special day for me. I'mcelebrating. "
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! ," saysthe woman.
"What a coincidence, " says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating? "

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence, " says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer.For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally layingfertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence! "

Munna Bhai Lage Raho .....

PROFESSOR
Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?
MUNNA BHAI
Gandhi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam,
par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

CIRCUIT
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai.
Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI
Aye Circuit, woh Sunita ka baap aya hai terayko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT
Bhai usko bolo apun gaon gaya hai, kheti karneko.
MUNNA BHAI
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

MAMU
Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai,
aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL
Ullu to raat ko bolta hai,
aaj din mein kaise bol pada?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

CIRCUIT
Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla aaj raat ko dinner pe.
Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI
Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT
Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

MAMU
Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Tamil sikhna padega. Kuch upay batao.
MUNNA BHAI
Tamil kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?
MAMU
Meinay ek Tamil baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya ?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, tu kitna pada hai?
MAMU
B.A.
MUNNA BHAI
Sala, two akshar pada aur woh bhi ulta?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

CIRCUIT
Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT
Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

PRINCIPAL
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.
MUNNA BHAI
Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

Ex-Boyfriends

Four School friends meet at their School Reunion. One of the friends goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...

Guy 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!

Guy 2: Really? My son's made me proud too. He's become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.

Guy 3: Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet.

The fourth High school Guy comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.

Guy 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.

Guy 1: What a shame.

Guy 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends.

President Fun

The Old Rapist

Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"

The second old man replied, "I was in jail."

The first old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"

He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man, officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."

The first old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"

Second old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."

Beware Of Pictures

:: Y U should NEVER publish Ur picture on the Internet ? ::

( Click on this to view the full image )










































































Contributed By Reza

Password Problem

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."


"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Professional Beggars

Talking Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner said, "Because this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New Madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, David, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, *"Hi David."*

Gr8 Moustache Competition

I hope u like da pics :)
Contributed by Rohit Agarwal, Delhi.

Test Ur Eyes

Contributed By Arun Dev

Quotes On Beliefs

Njoy the Quotes on beliefs :-)

=======================

Shuchi Gupta

"So if you have a dream then just believe that you can achieve it no matter what. Even when you can't feel deep in your heart any words of encouragement, just believe in your dream and your heart will finally show you the way."



=====================

Jaye Miller

"Believing in yourself is not for you; it's for every person who has touched your life in a significant way and for every person your life will touch the same way five minutes from now, or five centuries from now."



=====================

Eric Allenbaugh

"You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions. And you teach others how to behave toward you. While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviors and actions. By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life."



=====================

Yanni

I believed that anything was possible, or at least because I didn't put together everyone else's 'facts' and believe that winning was impossible."



=====================

Brian Tracy

"When you develop yourself to the point where your belief in yourself is so strong that you know you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, your future will be unlimited."



=====================

unknown

"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable."



==========================


Adlai E. Stevenson:

What do I believe? As an American I believe in generosity, in liberty, in the rights of man. These are social and political faiths that are part of me, as they are, I suppose, part of all of us. Such beliefs are easy to express. But part of me too is my relation to all life, my religion. And this is not so easy to talk about. Religious experience is highly intimate and, for me, ready words are not at hand.
speech, Libertyville, Illinois, May 21, 1954


=====================


Alfred Korzybski:

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.


=====================


Anatole France:

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.


=====================


Andre Gide:

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.


=====================


Anne Frank:

In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death.


=====================


Bertrand Russell:

What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.


=====================


Buddha:

Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. [paraphrased]


=====================


Charlotte Perkins Gilman:

Habits of thought persist through the centuries; and while a healthy brain may reject the doctrine it no longer believes, it will continue to feel the same sentiments formerly associated with that doctrine.


=====================


Demosthenes:

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.


=====================


Edith Hamilton:

Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active.


=====================


Frank Lloyd Wright:

The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.


=====================


G. K. Chesterton:

It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong.


=====================


George Orwell:

Myths which are believed in tend to become true.


=====================


Hannah Senesh:

One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm. One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in this world.


=====================


Isaiah Berlin:

Only barbarians are not curious about where they come from, how they came to be where they are, where they appear to be going, whether they wish to go there, and if so, why, and if not, why not.


=====================


Mark Twain:

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Autobiography, 1959


=====================


Michael Korda:

To succeed, we must first believe that we can.


=====================


Pearl S. Buck:

I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels.


=====================


Pearl S. Buck:

When men destroy their old gods they will find new ones to take their place.


=====================


Philip K. Dick:

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.


=====================


Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Belief consists in accepting the affirmations of the soul; Unbelief, in denying them.


=====================


Ralph Waldo Emerson:

A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.


=====================


Robert Fulghum:

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.


=====================


Sydney J. Harris:

An idealist believes the short run doesn't count. A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter. A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run determines the long run.


=====================


Thomas Jefferson:

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus by the Supreme Being in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.


=====================


Thomas Jefferson:

Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing than he who believes what is wrong.


=====================


Thomas Wentworth Higginson:

All ... religions show the same disparity between belief and practice, and each is safe till it tries to exclude the rest. Test each sect by its best or its worst as you will, by its high-water mark of virtue or its low-water mark of vice. But falsehood begins when you measure the ebb of any other religion against the flood-tide of your own. There is a noble and a base side to every history.


=====================


Voltaire:

As long as people believe in absurdities, they will continue to commit atrocities.


=====================


William Robertson Smith:

Belief in a certain series of myths was neither obligatory as a part of the true religion, nor was it supposed that, by believing, a man acquired religious merit and conciliated the favour of the gods.

:: Holiday on The Cliff ::

Have you eva tried doin this .......?



Contributed by Akbar, Mumbai

:: Letter By Bill Gates ::

My Dearest LOVE,

U r my only eye cursor,I am crazy bout ur Pantium style walk..U r my only life's UPS...Since i download u on my dream.com , my whole life is Reboot...B4 i was hourly
entered in chatroom and searching for pretty_gal and cute_face , but since u entered like VIRUS in my ROM/RAM..

my heart drive is already Format..Now in my life.net , there is only one applet's hyper-link..and that straightly goes to mydreamgirl.com , means to u...I m client of ur server and SNA or ATM whatever..I would capture u from any network...

I feel like, I break all the TCP/IP protocol like a packet..

I open my presentation layer's session in ur application layer. For u..not only C...I can overcome the C++ and COBRA or CORBA whatever..I finish everything..OOPS! u b mine...

My queen of sweetdreams.org , I would find u in any frame of this world..My heart pixel accept ur love...I have saved ur animated image in all MPEG,JPEG or GIF..and whole day i m hearing ur voice on WINAMP...If the programme of my love run n to ur 'Not Responding' message..I make it "End Task"...

U quickly accept my love or else i will forever "CTRL-ALT-DEL" my life from this world. I want to surf with u on the waves of WWW (world wide web). But i m waiting for that day..when ur address would b happily everafter paradise.net

Ur Every Bit Lover,

Bill Gates

:: Working in MNC ::

Do u c ...this is wat happens when u wait for a bonus !!!

Contributed by Mark , USA

:: Burning Juice ::

A sardar ji pulled out 6 people from a burning house.....
still he was in jail.......why?
coz all the 6 were firebrigade staff !

:: Team Spirit ::

Contributed by Samuel Jacob

* Twinkle *

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

:: God n Me ::

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

:: I Pod :: - * Picture Of The Day *

Contributed by Aruna

:: Dye Job ::

"What happened to that dopey blonde your husband used to run around with?"

"I dyed my hair."

:: Pool Table ::

Contributed by Gillian & Andrew

:: Doctor Gets An Eyeful ::

A blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

:: Microphone ::

:: Enlightened ::

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

:: DVD Writer ::

:: Reflections ::

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

:: Eggplant ::

Contributed by Vishal Jain

:: Got Milk? ::

A beautiful but ditzy model knew that taking a milk bath was good for her skin so she ordered twenty gallons to be brought up to her hotel room. "Do you want it pasteurized?" the clerk asked.

"No," she replied. "Just fill the tub up to my neck."

- Brain Dead -

Contributed by Christine, CA.

:: Zebra ::

Q. What did the blonde call her zebra?
A. Spot.

:: Team Spirit ::

:: Riddle Of The Day ::

What is too much for one, enough for two, and nothing at all for three?

Answer: A secret

$$ Money Laundering $$

Plain Drain

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.

"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

:: Ripley's Belive It Or Not ::

Contributed by Brian Tucker.

:: One Liners ::

Njoy the 1Liners for 2day !!!!
------------------------------

Why are they called "hemorrhoids". They should be called "asteroids"?

When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!

I'd rather be driving a golf ball.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Joke Contributed by Jyoti, Banglore.

:: Tennis Mania ::

Can U Find a better Picture than this ?



Contributed by Dhruv.

:: Future Dollar Note ::

:: Top 10 Excuses 4 Falling asleep @ Ur Desk ::

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"Amen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

:: Family Album ::

Contributed by Karthikeyan, Chennai.

G.H.O.S.T.S

Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!

Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!

Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!

Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!

Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!

Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!

Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!

:: Bowl The Man Alley ::